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Wet Noodle Posse | Blog

Friday, April 28, 2006

I Am Fat

Sometimes when you look back over the events that occur in your life that may seem random, you suddenly discover a pattern, and that pattern creates a picture, perhaps a picture you’d rather not see, like the photograph of you in your chapter newsletter presenting a rose to a tiny writer who is a RITA finalist. Yes, I can no longer fool myself and think I’m slightly overweight or that since I am tall I can carry extra weight without anyone noticing. I have photographic evidence to the contrary. No matter how I see myself in my mind, I have crossed the Plump County line into Fat Country. I am fat. If you are wondering if you, too, have crossed that line, here are some signs to be on the look out for:

1.Your butt and thighs have taken on the lumpy profile of several family-sized bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup miniatures. It’s true. You are what you eat.

2.A recent photograph lets you know without a doubt that a bikini wax is less painful than viewing the lower portion of your body. And the upper arm flab ain’t looking so hot either.

3.Your side of the bed squeaks. Your husband’s side doesn’t.

4.You startle yourself getting out of the shower. No, that isn’t your mother; it’s you!

5.Healthy fruits and vegetables rot in your refrigerator, and your pantry is free of all carb-o-riffic snacks. Not because you no longer buy sweet and salty pleasures, but because you ate them all.

6.Your husband’s poor eyesight makes you thankful. You encourage him to take off his glasses as much as possible.

7.You fantasize about going on the TV show The Biggest Loser.

8.“Back when I was thin…” and “I didn’t always look this way” are increasing in frequency in your conversation.

9.You avoid getting your yearly physical because you know your doctor will scold you for gaining over 20 pounds in one year. You’re going to make that appointment . . . once you lose the weight.

10.Not only is your recumbent bicycle getting dusty, your daughter feels comfortable setting up her perfume-making kit on its seat.


At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

>>You avoid getting your yearly physical because you know your doctor will scold you for gaining over 20 pounds in one year. You’re going to make that appointment . . . once you lose the weight.<<<

Guilty! And I laughed at both statements about husbands (the bed squeaking and encouraging him not to wear glasses *g*) but then I sort of winced. I've actually been struggling for awhile to get back into Plump County (because it would be an improvement) over where I've been. The most discouraging thing is how hard I had to work to lose the pounds and how quickly they came back full-force after some recent stressful events. Here's hoping we both get back into healthy gear soon!


At 10:16 AM, Blogger bridget said...

LOL, Mo! These moments of truth can be cathartic, though. I started doing the Debbie Siebers workouts after the day when I drove over a pothole and noticed a suspicious jiggle under my arms. Now nothing on me dares to jiggle anymore, for fear of ruthless retaliation. For now. Good luck!

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Mo H said...

I agree it's cathartic to finally own my fatness. The next step is to do something about it. I have removed the perfume kit from the recumbent bicycle seat, and my snack was an apple with a little peanut butter. :)

At 8:25 PM, Blogger bridget said...

Good for you, Mo. And remember, you are not alone--emotionally or weight-ly!

Check out this link--hope it works:;_ylt=AjGTn1l1Wi2MaM4WggmlMDGs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-


At 8:29 PM, Blogger bridget said...

Oops, that link just wasn't gonna work. You can access it through Yahoo news, click on Popular headlines, and it's under a title that says something like "Obesity in United States Underestimated by as much as 50%"

The reason? Because the old way of testing for obesity rates involved getting people to simply tell the truth about how much they actually weighed! Yeah, like I'm going to tell anyone--*anyone*--how much I weigh, even a researcher who promises anonymity *g*

At 5:00 PM, Blogger Jennie Lucas said...

I love this blog! You always make me laugh, Maureen. And I think every woman is always sure she's fat. Back in 2000 I only weighed a very thin (for me) 123 pounds due to a starvation diet, but even then, when my best friend asked why I was looking so gaunt; was I sick? -- I was still sure I had 5 pounds to lose.

I definitely eat more when I'm stressed. I don't care what people say, sometimes an Oreo cookie feels like your only friend and the only reward you have time/money to give yourself in the middle of a hard day.

Last weekend, during a workshop at the Desert Dreams conference, the ubertalented Lisa Gardner said her weight tends to vary 30 pounds based on her current stress level, so there's no knowing what she might look like at any particular conference! (For the record, she looked great!) Knowing that just made me like her more.

I just found out that I'm presenting the Traditional category at this year's GH, which strikes so much terror in my heart that I'm almost tempted to start a diet. That is, until I have a rough day and then it's global smackdown on anyone who comes between me and my M&Ms. *grin*

Any plans to get healthier, Maureen? Or are you going for the self-acceptance route? Just curious. =)

At 10:46 PM, Blogger Trish Milburn said...

Maureen, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm slowly getting rid of a little of the fat rolls, but it's going to be hard, particularly when I'm craving sweets. I wish I knew which tooth was my sweet tooth -- I'd have that sucker pulled!


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