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Wet Noodle Posse | Blog

Saturday, July 08, 2006

How to Gain Fifty Pounds (Without Really Trying)

By Jenna Ness

A few months ago, I posted Stupid Diet Tricks, explaining how I lost 55 pounds. But now that I’m pregnant again, I can’t seem to stop myself from doing everything in reverse. So as a public service, here are my tips on how to easily gain about a pound a week. You know, in case anyone needs to bulk up for a movie role, or wants a nice permanent coat for winter.

1. First of all, don’t just eat three meals a day. Like the hobbits in The Lord of the Rings say, there are seven proper mealtimes: breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper. Make the most of each one. Eat standing up, sitting down, wherever you go. Not hungry? Not a problem. You might be hungry some time in the future. Be proactive. You alone can prevent yourself from ever being hungry again!

2. It’s fine to fret over how long it will take you to lose the weight later. Go ahead and wish you weren't gaining so much so fast. Ponder the idea of self-control. Just make sure you consume a big bag of BBQ chips while you’re thinking it all over.

3. At the movies, get the biggest bucket of popcorn. Heck, you deserve it after your light, healthy dinner of chicken and cabbage and potatoes, with blackberries and watermelon on the side. After you gobble down the popcorn, realize it’s actually your second bucket of the day, since the chicken and cabbage and potatoes all came Original Recipe, coleslawed and mashed with gravy. Way to go!

4. Eat ice cream not once, but two or three times a day. And remember all ice cream is not created equal. Fat-free, sugar-free ice cream is only about 110 calories a half cup and regular ice cream from the supermarket is only 180 calories or so. Go for Ben & Jerry’s, which through the miracle of modern food processing has a calorie count of about 300 per half cup. That can add up fast, particularly if you eat a pint a day (technically 4 servings).

5. Replace all your diet sodas with fruit juice, Sprite and milkshakes. Just don’t forget to glug down water, too, if only to wash down all those french fries.

6. A little exercise is a good thing. It stimulates the appetite. So go ahead, take your toddler on a twenty-minute walk. Just make sure you end up at the donut shop.

7. Fruit and vegetables are okay, too. Take vitamins and drink lots of water. After all, you want to be healthy! Variety is the name of the game. Scientists have found that the more types of food are available, the more you're likely to eat. So steam those veggies and toss them in pasta primavera. Get fresh blueberries from your local farmer’s market and bake them in a pie served a la mode. Add a side Caesar salad, and guess what – you’ve just made yourself a 1500-calorie dinner! Pat yourself on the back. You’ll be gaining that weight in no time!

Whew, I’m tired, aren’t you? After all that work, take a long afternoon nap with your toddler. You deserve it! And congratulations – in nine months or so, you’ll finally have that nice round figure you’ve always wanted. Easy as pie!


At 8:41 PM, Blogger Charity said...

Once, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I nearly ate an entire Key lime pie by myself. I made some Key lime bars tonight and I'm really, really having a hard time staying away from them.

Anybody want one?

At 10:22 PM, Blogger Diane Perkins said...

I have another way! Just travel away from home. Between Florida for the RT conference, Alabama for my high school reunion, and NYC this weekend, gaining weight is easy!

At 1:32 AM, Blogger Stephanie Feagan said...

Jenna, you crack me up! I seem to remember eating entire jars of olives and triple helpings of mashed potatoes when I was expecting a baby. Now, I'm only expecting senility, but I can still put away the groceries.

Can't wait to see you - all of you! - in Atlanta! I bet you're glowing and beautiful - Madonna like. (As in, mother of Christ - not the singer, because, well, that would be icky...)

At 2:20 PM, Blogger Theresa Ragan said...

LOL Jenna! Every time I was pregnant I craved red licorice and mexican food. I gained at least 50 pounds every pregnancy...

At 5:54 PM, Blogger Diane Perkins said...

This isn't a pregnancy craving, but a crazy pregnancy thing. One of the things that made me nauseous was looking at a certain color of blonde hair. In church there was a whole family with that color hair and they literally made me sick!

At 6:20 PM, Blogger MaryF said...

I ate sour cream on everything when I was pregnant, even before I knew.

Diane, for my mom, it was peach. She was crocheting a peach afghan and having morning sickness (she didn't know it was morning sickness - this was a surprise baby) and to this day she can't look at peach.

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Marianne Arkins said...

I gained a TON in my first trimester because I was so completely nauseaus to the point of heaving... but I never heaved. So calories went in, trying to settle the tummy, but didn't come back out to balance out the intake.

Worse, I craved, Craved, CRAVED salt and vinegar potato chips... no calories or fat in those (LOL).

I gained 63 pounds! And, though my DD was big (10 lbs), she wasn't that big.

The good news is... it does come off again.

At 9:19 AM, Blogger Jennie Lucas said...

Thanks for sharing your pregnancy cravings, everyone. It definitely makes me feel better about my own total lack of control. I'm especially comforted by your 63-pound weight gain, Marianne. *grin* But a 10-pound baby! Wow!

Diane, that's so crazy about getting ill at the sight of a color! I haven't experienced that, but the smell of cologne/perfume (especially men's) makes me queasy.

Stef, hehe. Okay. Next time I think of myself as pudgy, I'll call it "glowing". I like that much better. Hehe!

Now I'm contemplating my next meal ... possibly Mexican food with sour cream and olives, salty chips and key lime pie for dessert. Yumm ...


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