How to Gain Fifty Pounds (Without Really Trying)

A few months ago, I posted Stupid Diet Tricks, explaining how I lost 55 pounds. But now that I’m pregnant again, I can’t seem to stop myself from doing everything in reverse. So as a public service, here are my tips on how to easily gain about a pound a week. You know, in case anyone needs to bulk up for a movie role, or wants a nice permanent coat for winter.

1. First of all, don’t just eat three meals a day. Like the hobbits in The Lord of the Rings say, there are seven proper mealtimes: breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper. Make the most of each one. Eat standing up, sitting down, wherever you go. Not hungry? Not a problem. You might be hungry some time in the future. Be proactive. You alone can prevent yourself from ever being hungry again!

2. It’s fine to fret over how long it will take you to lose the weight later. Go ahead and wish you weren't gaining so much so fast. Ponder the idea of self-control. Just make sure you consume a big bag of BBQ chips while you’re thinking it all over.

3. At the movies, get the biggest bucket of popcorn. Heck, you deserve it after your light, healthy dinner of chicken and cabbage and potatoes, with blackberries and watermelon on the side. After you gobble down the popcorn, realize it’s actually your second bucket of the day, since the chicken and cabbage and potatoes all came Original Recipe, coleslawed and mashed with gravy. Way to go!

4. Eat ice cream not once, but two or three times a day. And remember all ice cream is not created equal. Fat-free, sugar-free ice cream is only about 110 calories a half cup and regular ice cream from the supermarket is only 180 calories or so. Go for Ben & Jerry’s, which through the miracle of modern food processing has a calorie count of about 300 per half cup. That can add up fast, particularly if you eat a pint a day (technically 4 servings).

5. Replace all your diet sodas with fruit juice, Sprite and milkshakes. Just don’t forget to glug down water, too, if only to wash down all those french fries.

6. A little exercise is a good thing. It stimulates the appetite. So go ahead, take your toddler on a twenty-minute walk. Just make sure you end up at the donut shop.

7. Fruit and vegetables are okay, too. Take vitamins and drink lots of water. After all, you want to be healthy! Variety is the name of the game. Scientists have found that the more types of food are available, the more you're likely to eat. So steam those veggies and toss them in pasta primavera. Get fresh blueberries from your local farmer’s market and bake them in a pie served a la mode. Add a side Caesar salad, and guess what – you’ve just made yourself a 1500-calorie dinner! Pat yourself on the back. You’ll be gaining that weight in no time!

Whew, I’m tired, aren’t you? After all that work, take a long afternoon nap with your toddler. You deserve it! And congratulations – in nine months or so, you’ll finally have that nice round figure you’ve always wanted. Easy as pie!

posted by Jennie Lucas @ 12:37 AM