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Wet Noodle Posse | Blog

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Animals Running Wild!

by Bridget Stuart

I've felt a little out of it while everyone posts about their awesome pets this month, since I don't have one. I have a seven year old boy instead. But I think you'll be happy with my substitute--a real animal circus, from the 'Police Log' of the local paper in my tiny New England seaside town (And NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP--someone actually CALLED THE POLICE for each and every one of the following heinous crimes):

Saturday, May 5
Turkey not letting a man in his home reported on
Victoria Lane at 11:22 a.m.

Monday, May 7
Caller reported spotting racoon droppings in his or
her yard on Atlantic Avenue at 9 a.m.

Caller reported seeing ducks in the bushes on Humphrey
Street at 8:35 a.m.

Tuesday, May 8
Stray kitten reported in a yard on Indianhead Circle
at 1 p.m.

Pet snake found on Community Road at 1:31 p.m.

Thursday, May 10
Dirty water reported on South Street at 8:41 a.m.

Caller reported a duck nest in his or her yard on
Humphrey street at 10:46 a.m.

Friday, May 11
Caller reported a fox in his or her yard on Wallace
Road at 7:37 a.m.

Caller reported a fox crossing the road on Atlantic
Avenue at 7:41 a.m.

Fox reported crossing the road on Smith Street at 8:24

(The fox is on the town, o')

Saturday, May 12
Caller reported sprinklers on at game on Village Sreet
at 9:54 a.m.

Dog attacked on Drumlin Road at 5:21 p.m. (was it a

Sunday, May 13
Kids hanging out making noise reported on School
Street at 12:04 a.m.

...and you wonder, why don't we just divert our taxes
from the police dept and get a 24 hour 5 man team down
at Animal Control?


At 6:56 AM, Blogger Norah Wilson said...

Bwahahaha! Sounds like my quiet little city, Bridget. On the radio this morning, I heard there was a moose down town. And two weeks ago, a yearling deer trotted up Queen Street and into the Legislature. They'd opened the big double doors to air the building out, and the deer bounded in right past the Sergeant at Arms. It exited * through * a window in the press room, fortunately without hurting itself. The only casualty was a reporter's laptop when the deer jumped atop a table. :-)

At 8:46 AM, Blogger bridget said...

LOL Norah! A renegade deer--maybe it's in cahoots with our local recidivist fox!! I wonder if the reporter's computer warranty covered deer attacks.

Is blogger having problems? I couldn't check to see if my post published successfully this morning--glad to be able to get in now.

At 9:11 AM, Anonymous gin said...

Hey -- just think of all the material you can get for a future story. It'll be all about this fox and the hound that hunts her down. And you can dedicate the book to the local police department, and everyone'll be thinking "huh?" and then you promise to explain the dedication in the next book, so everyone will have to read about the renegade deer and the heroic laptop that threw itself between its owner and the threat, where the book is dedicated to the Legislature, and everyone'll be thinking "huh?" and they'll have to get the next book for THAT explanation.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger bridget said...

gin! A heroic laptop?? I think you have just dreamed up an entirely new genre of fiction--Inanimate Object Action Adventure--I would say "two" genres, but I think there was a whole book about the Civil War written in the pov of Lee's horse, if I remember correctly.

Oh yes, and Rita Mae Brown's cat tells tales, too, so why not get into the head of a deer?

Once that genre's exhausted, we'll move on to inanimate object romantica, and then erotica--do we really want to go there? Wait a minute. Got to go wash my brains out thoroughly. Lather brains. Rinse. Repeat.

At 12:38 PM, Blogger Lee McKenzie said...

I’m lucky to live in a city where wildlife (the animal variety!) is common. Racoons and deer freely roam residential neighborhoods, and there’s lots of marine life, including seals, sea lions, and killer whales.

At Fisherman’s Wharf you can buy fish to feed the harbour seals, and on one occasion, a “celebrated cougar with a penchant for the good life was removed from the parkade of the Empress Hotel in Victoria.” Poor fellow, I’m sure he was just there for Afternoon Tea.


At 12:47 PM, Blogger bridget said...

Lee, I'm glad the killer whales aren't roaming the neighborhood along with the cougars! Your wildlife sounds much more exciting than our aggressive turkeys and fast foxes, though.

But I was wondering: does anyone else think these wild and crazy animals are implicated in the "dirty water" caper someone reported to the police??

(Right. Whenever my water seems a bit off, I call the police IMMEDIATELY.)

At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Tori Lennox said...

ROFL!!! I thought our police reports were funny, but these take the cake!

And you know there's nothing more horrifying and criminal than dirty water! LOL!

At 2:21 PM, Blogger bridget said...

tori, I love to have you laughing along with me--please share your funniest police log entries.

The best one I ever saw in this town, an absolute classic, had someone dropping by the police station to report that they had figured out who assassinated president Lincoln, and that it was someone in the Navy who had done it. The police log said something like "referred the resident to the Naval office in Beverly" (next town over). Ha!

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Lee McKenzie said...

Bridget, the people who have ocean-front property would be quick to tell you that killer whales actually do roam their neighborhoods!

A few years ago a herd (pod?) of California sea lions established a temporary colony in one of the local bays. The police received numerous noise complaints about all the late-night barking, but were unable to get the party animals to quiet down.


At 3:24 PM, Blogger bridget said...

Lee--'party animals'--snort--omg!

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Janet Mullany said...

I always enjoy the animal reports in the very local section of the Washington Post. My favorites are the snake panics where the snake turns out to be a hose in the basement or garage.

At 9:46 AM, Blogger bridget said...

hey, thanks for my morning snicker, Janet. Garden hoses--snakes--people on hallucinatory substances?

And BTW, I think I jinxed my little town with this blog post. In today's paper, there were two real, actual arrests: but both miscreants were 'foreigners' from other towns far away like Winthrop and Malden.

whew. Just don't trust any outsiders, doods.

At 11:48 PM, Blogger Trish Milburn said...

LOL! These are too funny. When I was in college, there was a deer that somehow ran into the journalism building where I had most of my major classes, and it went through a window. Then it ran across the street and through the glass door of a grocery store and died in the middle of the grocery aisle. I'm so not making this up.

Oh, and if you were to write a story from a deer's POV, I think the ending might be something like, "Hmm, what are those two shiny things heading toward me? I can't look away." Thump.

At 7:29 PM, Blogger bridget said...

TRISH! Funny--*awful*!!!


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