Wet Noodle Posse

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Confidence: How to Get It. (It's Easier than You Think, Duh)

Confidence: How to Get It. (It's Easier than You Think, Duh) by Jennie Lucas

Author’s note: are you unsure if you’re confident or not? Check out the original quiz posted in yesterday's blog!

Okay, posse girls, it’s brutal confession time: What will it really take for you to feel good about yourself?

According to recent polls, the main reason for your lack of confidence is …

8% of you drive the crappiest piece of junk ever called a car (made in Taiwan, in 1974).
14% wear clothes that are so dumpy even the garbage man won’t take them (when did frayed sweatsuits picturing droopy-eyed kittens go out of style?).
32% have no man, or wish they had no man.
41% have the suckiest careers that ever sucked (and you’re tossing five days a week down the drain in your panting eagerness to make it to Freedom Friday).
98% of you avoid the beach, the pool, and life in general due to intense shame about your flat chest/ big boobs/ short legs/ cottage-cheese thighs/ weirdly shaped toes.

Sharp-eyed readers will notice that the percentages, when added up, don’t precisely equal 100%. That’s due to a rare statistical anomaly. (i.e. I made them up.)

The point is: most of us are lacking in confidence in some area of our lives. But getting a better job, a better man, a better body or whatever won’t give you confidence. Look around – there are plenty of people who have those things, and yet still feel insecure.

The truth is, the reasons we use are excuses. The reason we don’t feel confident is because we choose not to be.

“What?” you gasp. “I’m not getting anything out of feeling insecure! I’m stuck in a dead-end job! I never meet anyone new or try anything out of my comfort zone! I’m not only depressed, I’m bored out of my friggin’ skull!”

Maybe, but there are some benefits to your rut that you’re conveniently ignoring. Stuck where you are, you’re safe and comfortable. Which is a lot better in some ways than the alternative: nervous and out on a limb.

That’s why some people just stay out of the game. You know the ones I’m referring to. The talkers. The ones who are constantly yammering away about the diet they’re on, the manuscript they’re writing, the jerk they should dump. And yet mysteriously, the weight stays on, the manuscript never materializes, and the jerk stays.

It’s because, in our heart of hearts, we all do what we really want. We just don’t always realize what it is.

Sure, you might think you want to lose weight – but the real truth is that junk food gives you more pleasure than imaginary size-8 jeans.

You might think you want to write – but the real truth is that you love sacking out on the couch and watching TV more.

You might think that you should dump your boyfriend – but the real truth is that, even though he’s not perfect, you’re afraid to be alone.

So here's the deal:

1. Confidence means paying attention to what you really want. You might find that you’ve been far more successful than you realize.

For years I beat myself up for not traveling more. I yearned to see the world, and yet every time I had an opportunity – a year in Russia, a boarding school experience in England, a month in Africa – something would mysteriously prevent me. I felt like a failure for not following my dream.

Then I saw the truth. Deep down, I didn’t want to leave my family and go to Russia for a year. I wanted to dream about Russia from my safe, cushy sofa. So I wasn’t a failure. I’d actually been 100% successful at doing what I really wanted to do.

If you’re not putting your dreams into action, maybe it’s time for you to reexamine your dream, too.

2. Confidence means looking out for yourself. Selfishness has gotten a bad rap. But here’s a novel thought: what if you treated yourself with as much kindness and care as you give everyone else? You deserve respect and love. Give it to yourself!

As the old cliché says, if your plane runs out of air, make sure you have oxygen first and then assist others. We’re more generous and loving to others when we feel strong and nourished ourselves. So read that book, take that class, go to the gym. You need it, and your family needs you to be happy, not exhausted and resentful.

If you choose to spend every drop of your energy on others, then act like a martyr and whine about it, it’s a choice. And what are you getting out of that, really? An excuse not to go to the gym? An excuse to blame the people you love for everything you hate about your life? How selfish is that!

3. Confidence means practice, practice, practice. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to make progress. That means practice!

The next time you’re tempted to take the easy way out, turn it into a challenge. Feel too intimidated to go into an uber-cool boutique? Listen to the little voice that whispers I dare you. Feel scared to submit a manuscript to the agent of your dreams? Terrified to ask for a raise at work? Hyperventilating at the thought of taking your dream trip to France – alone? I dare you. I dare you.

Each time you practice, you win. Every time you take a risk, even if it doesn’t turn out perfectly, you win. Because you’re practicing being brave and strong and free. You’re showing the world – and showing yourself – that you’re a force to be reckoned with.

Sure, being lazy can be great. And being afraid can keep you safe. But there’s a time and place for everything. If you’re bored, if you’re blue, then it’s time to be bold. That’s where adventure lies, and as Helen Keller said, ‘Life is either a great adventure, or it is nothing.”

Just don’t use lame excuses to be less than you are. If you’re choosing junk food instead of size-eight jeans, either change that or accept it – but either way, be at peace. You are the star of your life story. Why not have some fun?

So get a toe ring for those weirdly shaped toes. Get a nice wax job on that 1978 Pinto. Because you’re beautiful, smart, funny, and wise, and the whole world is waiting to benefit from your glory.

What are you waiting for?

Labels: Confidence, Jennie Lucas, Self-Esteem

Monday, November 19, 2007

Do You Have Confidence? Take the ‘Posse Girl’ Quiz and Find Out!

Today and tomorrow's posts are from Jennie Lucas who now writes for Harlequin Presents. Her first book arrives on the North American bookshelves in just a few days! You can visit her website here.

This post originally appeared in October of 2005.

1. You took the weekend off and didn’t wash a single dish, floor, or sink. Monday morning, your perfectly groomed sister-in-law drops by for a quick visit. Your living room is trashed and your sweatshirt is stained with last night’s hummus. You:

**a. Pretend not to be home.

**b. Storm out on the porch and angrily say, “Why didn’t you call first?” Then you blame her (and your messy family, and the hummus-drooling dog) for forcing you to be rude, when you’re really a gracious hostess!

**c. Let your sister-in-law come in, but follow her around the house making embarrassed noises about the mess.

**d. Let your sister-in-law come in, and after shoving aside a spot on the couch, you forget all about the mess. After all, she’s come to see you, not the house!

2. At your office’s holiday party, a superskinny co-worker looks down her nose at your well-filled plate and says, “Aren’t you worried about gaining weight?” In reply, you:

**a. Feel self-conscious at the size of your hips, and put down the plate. After the party, you stop by Krispy Kreme and eat the whole dozen donuts in the privacy of your own home.

**b. Snarl back, “Go back to South Beach, you Diet Nazi!” Then defiantly eat a whole pumpkin pie. And you don’t even *like* pumpkin pie.

**c. Make whining excuses about why you “deserve a few treats”. You’re so focused on making your co-worker agree with you that you hardly notice as you clean your plate.

**d. Look her straight in the eye, and say with a gleeful grin, “Nope.”

3. A new member of your writing group, a lovely twentysomething, announces that she’s just sold the first draft of her first full manuscript to Jen Enderlin at St. Martin’s Press. “And there’s even going to be a book tour!” Your reaction:

**a. You leave the meeting, drive straight home, and pull a blanket over your head. You were stupid to ever think you could make it as a writer. You’re giving up, forever. Again.

**b. You wait for the bright-eyed newbie in the alley after the meeting. A friend holds her down as you punch her in the face, screaming, “Jen Enderlin is mine, do you hear me?! MINE!”

**c. You ask the newbie’s advice and hang on her every word. You assume she must know more about life than you do, even though she’s 20 years younger than you and thinks you’re talking about an appliance brand when you mention Jane Eyre.

**d. You feel a brief stab of jealousy, but it’s gone before she can even finish the phrase “significant deal”. A flooding tide rises all boats, right? Her dreams came true and so can yours. You even avoid smugly considering the stressful nightmare her next attempt at a book will be.

Finished? Okay, you Posse girls, you know the drill.

If you picked mostly As: What are you hiding from, little mouse? Your life is passing you by while you’re quivering in your comfort zone!

If you picked mostly Bs: Can we say anger management? You think you’re a rebel, but guess what? You’re still allowing your feelings to be controlled by someone else!

If you picked mostly Cs: You’re so desperate for the approval of others, you don’t even have an opinion of your own! (So you’ll believe me when I call you a sad little suck-up, whether it’s true or not!)

If you picked As, Bs, and Cs: In all these cases, you’re giving other people, even complete strangers, the power to decide if you enjoy your life.

If you picked mostly Ds: Welcome to the heady world of being the ultimate ruler of your own country: YOU.

Author’s note: I have a point, I promise! Look for the rest of my semi-serious Posse Girl’s Guide tomorrow… “Confidence: How to Get It (It’s Easier than You Think, Duh)”

Labels: Confidence, Jennie Lucas, Self-Esteem