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Wet Noodle Posse | Blog

Monday, February 12, 2007

Vicious Valentines

by Bridget Stuart, with apologies to Roz Chast

"For the Special Someones who Aren't So Special After All"

I've recently become single again, so pardon me if Valentine's Day has put me in a snarky mood. Feel free to cut and paste the greetings below and send them to your not-so-loved-ones, as appropriate!

To a Boyfriend

"You forged my name on many checks;
yelled someone else's during sex;
and now, I fear your charming smile
coaxes out my stomach bile."

Get out by five and leave my wallet alone

To an Ex-Wife

"I think you married me for my cash.
First you nip/tucked your sweet ass.
Then it was your pretty neck.
And before I could say 'what the heck'
You had had a tummy tuck
You drained me dry of my last buck.
Well that's okay, you were fantastic
But I'd rather have real flesh than plastic"

Avoid exposure to chemical solvents and temperatures above 100 F

To an Ex-Husband

"Perhaps worse than your yawning boredom
was your tendency to whoredom;
and worse indeed than any whore,
was your tendency to snore."

Thanks for the chlamydia, pal.

To my Sweet Girl

"I love you darling, to distraction.
Though I seem to get no action.
You wear those beads and flowing dresses,
Birkenstocks and braided tresses,
a Northampton gal is your best friend,
perhaps I do detect a trend?"

But 'womyn' is spelled with an "a"


At 11:31 AM, Anonymous gin said...

I don't really do the whole card thing, myself, for any occasions, but back in the day when I thought I ought to send cards, I really the ones with the cynical character on the cover, who always assumed the worst of people. Do you know who I mean? I can't think of her name.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger bridget said...

gin--oh ya, I know the ones you mean. Kind of wrinkly people, snarking? Can't think of the artist's name, though.

I got the idea for these cards from the "Healing Truths" cards that Roz Chast dreamed up for Mother's Day.

My favorites:

"To Mother on this very special day:

You knew I wanted Barbie,
the world's most perfect teen.
Instead you chose to buy me
a generic figurine.

Thanks for saving three dollars."

or this one:

"With Good Wishes on this day to Mom:

Your house is always clean and neat,
your lemon pound cake can't be beat.
Self-negating mom and wife,
it's not too late to get a life.

Only trying to help."

At 12:39 PM, Blogger Trish Milburn said...

I think you all might be thinking of the Maxine cards.

LOL, Bridget, on your rhymes.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Tori Scott said...

Bridget! Have you thought about writing greeting cards? These are great! They pay something like $25 each for stuff like this. Could make a nice little sideline.

Anti-Valentine's are a really big thing this year. Check it out.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger bridget said...

Maxine! That's right, Trish! Score!

Pam, LOL u r so sweet, but uh--? How many "thanx 4 the chlamydia" cards do you think they'd actually sell? I guess it *is* a big numbers disease, come to think of it. Hmmm...'disease of the day' cards may come in fashion. Erectile dysfunction, sinus infections...the possibilities are endless.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger Mo H said...

Back in the old college days, my roommates and I decided Valentine's Day discriminated against singles (Yes, we were ahead of our time...or we just wanted an excuse for a party). Thus the first FVD Party was born (f--- Valentine's Day). Feel free to follow in our footsteps!

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Kiki, aka Esri said...


At 4:52 PM, Blogger bridget said...

mo h, you are kidding me. I love it. Yes, "love" it, as in "valentine" it. Thanks for the tip!

Esri! I'm glad you stopped by! I needed that.

At 5:37 PM, Blogger Jennie Lucas said...

Bridget, LOL!!! You wrote all these? Brilliant! I agree with Pam - you could have a nice side business with these! And the Roz Chast ones are hilarious too. Thank goodness no one will ever accuse me of making perfect pound cake and always having a clean house. *grin*

At 5:52 AM, Blogger bridget said...

Jenna! Brilliant? Okay, now I can start my day happy. And 'tis a good thing you didn't see any of yourself in the 'self-negating mom and wife' hit a little too close to home in *my* relationship! Here, have a slice of lemon pound cake.

At 1:58 AM, Blogger Jennifer Smith/Ila Campbell said...

Are you kidding? Snark is my life! I loved these.


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