Vicious Valentinesby Bridget Stuart, with apologies to Roz Chast
"For the Special Someones who Aren't So Special After All"
I've recently become single again, so pardon me if Valentine's Day has put me in a snarky mood. Feel free to cut and paste the greetings below and send them to your not-so-loved-ones, as appropriate!
To a Boyfriend
"You forged my name on many checks;
yelled someone else's during sex;
and now, I fear your charming smile
coaxes out my stomach bile."
Get out by five and leave my wallet alone
To an Ex-Wife
"I think you married me for my cash.
First you nip/tucked your sweet ass.
Then it was your pretty neck.
And before I could say 'what the heck'
You had had a tummy tuck
You drained me dry of my last buck.
Well that's okay, you were fantastic
But I'd rather have real flesh than plastic"
Avoid exposure to chemical solvents and temperatures above 100 F
To an Ex-Husband
"Perhaps worse than your yawning boredom
was your tendency to whoredom;
and worse indeed than any whore,
was your tendency to snore."
Thanks for the chlamydia, pal.
To my Sweet Girl
"I love you darling, to distraction.
Though I seem to get no action.
You wear those beads and flowing dresses,
Birkenstocks and braided tresses,
a Northampton gal is your best friend,
perhaps I do detect a trend?"
But 'womyn' is spelled with an "a"